


The Hell House

by JuliaTheRainbowFacedSheep



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean in Hell, Dean's going to hell, Feels, Going to Hell, Hell, Love, M/M, Pie, Raised You From Perdition, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaTheRainbowFacedSheep/pseuds/JuliaTheRainbowFacedSheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean tried to commit suicide but Sam found him just in time, and now Dean's in a mental hospital for it. There he meets Castiel, who calls himself an angel, but really just needs to save the people he loves. He also meets Kevin, who is there because the stress levels at his school became too much and he had a mental breakdown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hell Hole

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Dean eyed this dark haired stranger suspiciously.  
"Dean, Language!" Barked the supervisor in the corner.  
Dean rolled his eyes. He'd had enough of these stupid mental supervisors telling him what to do. If only he'd just gotten away with suicide and his brother hadn't found him in the bathroom. He wouldn't be stuck in a mental ward with the crazies. He wasn't crazy. He was just depressed. Clinically depressed and suicidal, apparently. It sounded so cold and harsh when you put it that way. He sighed. All he knew was he wanted out.  
He looked up from his table where he was playing a game of sorry by himself. The dark haired boy was still looking at him, squinting.  
"What do you want." It was more of a statement than a question. He wanted this boy to leave him alone.  
"Why are you playing by yourself?" This stranger clearly wasn't good at social cues. Then again who there was?  
Dean sighed and put down the blue piece. "Because no one in this hell hole is entertaining enough to play this with me"  
The stranger sat down. "You could play something that's less lonesome to do by yourself. Like. A puzzle."  
He was still squinting. It was weird. Like he was sizing Dean up to know what he was up against.  
Dean shifted uncomfortably.  
"Yea well sorry stands for my sorry ass for ending up here"  
The stranger stood abruptly. "My name is Castiel." And with that he turned and marched off without another word.  
Dean just sat there, stunned. He looked at the board for a while.  
His silence there was broken by a tap on the shoulder from one of the supervisors.  
"Your brother's here to see you" she said in that sourly sweet voice he hated so much.  
"Yeah yeah" he waved his hand and got up to go meet up with his brother.

"Sammy!" Dean grinned as he walked up to his brother. He may be mad at him, but he was the only sanity he was allowed from the outside world.  
"How ya doing in here?" Sam asked, genuinely concerned. Dean was well aware of the fact that everything he said to Sam would be reported to the therapist and would be used to "help" him, but Sam was still the only person Dean thought about giving honest answers to. And then he looked up to the strained happy look on his little brother's face. The look of "I love you so much and this is really hard on me but I just want you to be okay please be okay" tore him to shreds. He did a fake smile that he'd practiced in the mirror countless times and said "I'm great, Sammy. Real great. What about you? How's Jess?"  
"She's good. We're good. Really worried." Here came the look again.  
"Yeah. Well. I'm doing my best in here."  
Sam nodded and looked away. He had never really been the one of the two to have to take charge and have to act like a big brother. He had always been the "damsel in distress" to Dean. But now it was his turn to be the strong one. Dean had some trouble accepting this. He knew that he needed to sit back and let them "fix" him like everyone kept saying would happen. Well they said something more like "help". But help an fix seemed to mean the same thing.  
"Hey I remembered how you said the pie here was crap so I brought you a present"  
Deans eyes lit up like a little kid Christmas morning who's just seen underneath the tree.  
"Pie?!" He said in utter disbelief. "How'd you get that in here?!"  
"The staff said that if if would brighten your mood I could bring you pie every day. I think they're sick of you and are convinced my pie is the only thing that'll cheer you up at all." They both actually smiled at that.  
Dean started devouring the pie, only half aware of what his brother was saying. It'd been so long since his last piece of good pie. And his brothers was the best. He was in law school and engaged but he took a cooking class on the side now and he was fucking amazing at it.  
When Dean had finished his pie Sam was asked to leave.  
Dean walked back into the hospital feeling refreshed and in a good mood for the first time in months.  
He was walking back to his room to do some of the required therapeutic drawing when the guy with the dark hair - Castiel-stopped him in the hallway.  
"You like pie"  
"What are you, a stalker?"  
"No. I'm an angel."  
Dean wasn't all that surprised by this answer. After two days here he learned to just accept weird answers like that. Laughing or not taking it seriously in any way could result in very bad consequences.  
"Ok angel Castiel. Yes I like pie. Now can I go to my room please?" Dean asked a little too forcefully. He didn't have the whole "patience" thing down here.  
Castiel stood squinting at him some more.  
"You like pie, but you don't like life. Isn't pie a part of life?" Dean shrugged and pushed past him and walked into his room.  
“Why are you in here?” Castiel asked, ignoring the rule against asking that.  
“why do you care?” Dean shot back at him.  
Castiel shrugged. “I’m an angel. I’m here to help you.”  
“Yea but you aren’t on staff. That’s not your job.” Dean glared at him. Silently wishing he’d leave him alone.  
“What’s your name?” Castiel asks slowly, as if suddenly remembering how to talk to another person.  
“Go screw yourself” Dean slammed the door in his face, not really caring how this Castiel felt about it.  
\- -  
Castiel just sat there outside the door for a few moments, stunned.  
"I...bye". He was used to this sort of reluctance. But he had to make this stranger (Dean?) see that he deserved life. That was his job, after all. He had been born, sent from god, to make people see the light. Yet he ended up in the loony bin for it. It was his older brother, Gabriel. No matter how much Gabe loved to play jokes and taunt him, he worried about Castiel's sanity.  
"Strike out on him too?" A familiar voice came up behind Castiel.  
"Hello Anna." He turned around. "No I didn't 'strike out'. He just needs persuasion". Anna nodded. They stared at the door for a while. Out of all of his therapists, Anna was by far his favorite. She actually understood his want to help people. She was a therapist, after all. But it never failed to amaze him how hypocritical most of his previous therapists had been. 'Don't try and fix everyone as I try and fix you'. She tried to give him boundaries so he wouldn't hurt himself, and tried to give him ways to not put the pressure on himself. Like get the person professional help. He was learning.  
He walked back to his room, thinking hard about how a person could be in a place like this and not be getting better.  
\- -  
Dean sat in his room, steaming. He sat on his bed and put his head in his hands. He glanced at his roommates bed. It was empty. Something really important must be going on, because Michael never got out of bed for anything. He got too mad at everyone. Anger issues. How did he end up here again?  
Oh yea. Suicide. Clinically depressed. Apparently more normal than half the population of this hospital. He needed someone to talk to. To just chat with. To play sorry with. Except no one in the hell hole was really okay to do that with. Michael would try and punch him just for asking. And he didn't really know anyone else.  
He wanted some music. But there wasn't any iPods or record players allowed here. Well there was one giant boom box in the dinning hall. But the staff had to approve the music so no good music was really allowed. Nothing that could trigger anyone. He didn't really understand the point of it being there if nothing was really played from it.  
He took a sheet of paper and went over to the table in the room that they called his desk. He'd never had his own room. Was this what a desk was in a bedroom? He'd probably never know. He started writing out lyrics. This was how he did every art assignment. Wrote out lyrics to the song that was on his mind, and drew to them. He started humming. 

"Lonely Is The Night” (from "Are You There, God? It's me, Dean Winchester.”)

Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone  
Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own  
Lonely is the night when there's no one left to call  
You feel the time is right- the writin's on the wall

It's a high time to fight when the walls are closin' in  
Call it what you like--It's time you got to win  
Lonely, lonely, lonely--your spirit's sinkin' down  
You find you're not the only stranger in this town

Red lights, green lights, stop 'n go jive  
Headlines, deadlines jammin' your mind  
You been stealin' shots from the side  
Let your feelin's go for a ride

There's danger out tonight..the man is on the prowl  
Get the dynamite...the boys are set to prowl  
Lonely is the night when you hear the voices call  
Are you ready for a fight--do you wanna take it all

Slowdown, showdown--waitin' on line  
Showtime, no time for changin' your mind  
Streets are ringin', march to the sound  
Let your secrets follow you down

Somebody's watchin' you baby--so much you can do  
Nobody's stoppin' you baby, from makin' it too  
One glimpse'll show you now baby, what the music can do  
One kiss'll show you now baby--it can happen to you

No more sleepin', wastin' our time  
Midnight creepin's first on our minds  
No more lazin' 'round the tv  
You'll go crazy--come out with me

He knew that the therapists would see this and ask him about it. But he really didn't care. He was cooperating. For once. Maybe it was his annoyance at this Castiel for attempting to do what the staffs job was. To defy what Castiel wanted to do. He sighed and looked at the clock on the wall. Group was soon.  
\---  
Castiel was also in his room, thinking. He could do this. Just sit there for hours on end, thinking. He'd been called a fish before for doing that. Just zoning out and not responding because he was in deep thought. He looked up at the painting of the night sky he'd made that morning. He was frustrated at his roommate, Meg, for making fun of it. He was one of the few guys allowed a girl roommate because he was gay. He liked that this particular place took that into consideration. He'd been on the wrong end of a gay guy roommate taking advantage of him. He hadn't had that problem yet with a girl. They'd asked him all of this when he'd gotten there. The one nice thing about this mental hospital was that they actually cared about your comfort while you were here. Sure there were certain things you couldn't have. Necklaces. Scarves. Not that he wanted or needed any of those things. He was allowed to wear his trench coat though. It was his dads present to him years and years ago. Before he'd left. So he was allowed to hold on to it and wear it.  
There was a knock on the door.  
"Cas, you have group now" it was Anna.  
He got up slowly, as if waking up from a dream.  
It might a actually be bearable this time. He’d looked into all of the doctors and counselors and therapists here when he was told he’d be going. He hadn’t had a choice in it, but he’d known ahead of time. He didn’t really care enough to try and escape it.  
They walked together in silence to the group therapy room. There was music playing faintly. Some pop song he had never heard before.  
His heart stopped when he walked through the door. There was a beautiful light haired, freckled boy with candy apple green eyes looking straight at him.  
"Uhhh..Castiel, right?" Dean said uncertainly.  
He nodded.  
\- -  
"This is such bullshit" Dean sighed and sank into the couch across the room from his therapist, Ellen.  
"You watch your mouth, boy!” She gave him a stern look before breaking into a smile. Her souther accent making her seem more like a mother than ever. Dean gave a sarcastic smile back.  
"Look, I know you hate it, but it'll help you"  
"There's nothing wrong with me for you to fix!" Dean almost shouted.  
"Dean, calm down. I said help, not fix. I'm not here to to fix you"  
"Yea yea. I have to do that for myself" he mocked some of their earlier conversations. He mocked every conversation he'd ever had with a therapist. Not that he'd had very many. He had a bottle in his head where he stuffed all the shit he didn't want to deal with it. He didn't have any room there at the moment but any day now the bottle would grow a little like it usually did to allow for more thoughts.  
He looked up.  
"Something you wanna share there, Dean?" Oh shit. He'd forgotten that prolonged silence and thinking made them ask what you were thinking.  
He crumpled up the thought and threw it at the bottle. It bounced off and landed in his mouth.  
"I was...just...the bottle won't grow like it usually does". He'd explained this to her before. She looked at him with a look he couldn't quite place. It wasn't concern, and it wasn't mocking.  
"Is that good or bad?"  
"Well if I say it's bad I get a lecture and if I say it's good I'm lying. So I don't know?" It wasn't completely untrue. He didn't know what it meant that the bottle wouldn't fit anything more. It probably meant that if he emptied the bottle he'd get out of here faster.  
After his private therapy he had free time. He went back to the game room. He didn't feel like Sorry this time. He pulled out one of the 1000 piece puzzles from the shelf and looked at the picture. It was one of those I Spy puzzles. He cleared off a table and spread out the puzzle to start. Just as he'd separated the edge pieces from the rest of them, Castiel walked in.  
Dean looked away, annoyed already. He started putting edge pieces together. They were all sort of...dark. It was actually a hard puzzle to figure out.  
He glanced at Castiel. He was over at the paints, taking out blues and blacks like usual. They'd have to get more blue for him pretty soon. And that was saying something, because they seemed to have never ending supplies of arts an crafts.  
He wen back to the puzzle. He had the full outline by the time he looked up next. And when he did, Castiel was sitting across from him, watching him intently.  
"How long have you been watching me?" Dean asked probably a little to harshly.  
"I don't know. I lost track of time. You look really concentrated when you try and work out where pieces go."  
Dean tried so hard to not think about the creepiness of that.  
"You know you never answered my question." Castiel said, this time as if he were trying to soothe a wounded animal. It only made Dean more annoyed. But there were a few too many supervisors around for him to be able to do much about it.  
"Dean."  
"Hello, Dean."  
Castiel didn't offer his hand. It wasn't formal like the therapists made it. And it wasn't like some of the people in the hell hole. Maybe that's what he'd call it. The Hell Hole. He liked that. Castiel didn't do anything that out of the ordinary. Maybe he wasn't that crazy for saying he was an angel.  
Dean didn't get much chance to figure it out, because right then the dinner bell rang.  
\- -  
Castiel glanced sideways at Dean. Over the puzzle that he'd completed about 10 times since he'd gotten there two days ago.  
"Care to join me for dinner?" He was trying to be as normal as possible. It's what Anna had suggested. Don't force it on him before you know him. Get to know him, become friends, then we'll talk about what you can do to help him. He secretly thought she was still trying to figure that part out herself.  
\- -  
"Yeah. I guess" it's not like he had anyone else to sit with or talk to. Castiel didn't look like he was trying to size him up anymore. It was relieving.  
\- -  
He could feel Dean being a little more relaxed. Anna's advice was working.  
They got their food and sat down. What was he supposed to say now? He wasn't good at making conversation. Or friends. He stared at his dinner, feeling his little crush slipping through his fingers. Feeling that he was an awful angel if he couldn't even make one simple friend.  
"So Castiel. If we're actually going to start talking to each other like normal people, can I call you Cas? It's simpler. I like simpler. "  
Thank god this guy knew how to talk.  
He nodded. "Of course".  
"Ok. So Cas. Umm let's start off easy. What do you like to do?"  
"Paint, mostly."  
"Mmm. Do you paint anything besides the sky?"  
"Not really. I paint it how I feel. So if I'm in a really good mood the sky will be completely blue with puffy white clouds. If I'm happy the day is over it'll be a sunset. Stuff like that."  
Dean let out a long breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. "Dang. That's deep."  
"I guess. What about you, though. What do you like to do?"  
It seemed like Dean was taking a lifetime to think of something to say.  
\- -  
'Should I show him? Do I tell this almost stranger who I technically met in group today what I actually do for fun?'  
Dean opened his mouth, then shut it abruptly.  
'Why am I even CONSIDERING this? I barely know the guy. He calls himself an angel. Why would I tell him what it is I do?'  
Don't lie, don't tell him the truth.  
\- -  
"Umm well I mostly listen to music. Kansas, Black Sabbath, Metallica, stuff like that. I bought a guitar a while back to try and learn how to play some of them but never actually got around to learning how to play"  
"You should learn, though. I bet you'd be a great musician. Don't they have a music day here?"  
Dean shrugged. "Do they? I wouldn't know. My brother checked me in"  
It was Castiel's turn to shrug. "Mine too"  
"I think you already somehow know about my brother so I'm going to ask you what your brothers name is"  
"Gabriel. He likes to joke around. A lot. In fact I don't think there's a serious bone in his body"  
"Gabriel. And Castiel. Were- What happened with your names?" Dean caught himself from asking a question you learned to avoid after your first five minutes here. Casitel suspected he was going to ask something like, 'what were your parents on when they named you?'  
He signed "my parents...I think they were going or something biblical or some shit like that" he tried to sound exasperated. He got that question too often.  
“Sorry, touchy subject I see”  
\- -  
'How could he have found this guy creepy? He seemed so…normal?  
Oh yea. The angel thing.’  
Castiel looked at Dean and did that squinty thing Dean hated. He shifted uncomfortably.  
“I still don’t understand how you can love pie so much but hate life when pie is a part of life”  
Dean looked at Cas in disbelief. But he didn’t get up. There was something about his bluntness that was soft. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings…more like learn everything there was to know about you. It was unsettling, but it was also new. No one besides therapists had every really taken much of an interest in learning about how Dean’s mind worked. He pushed some food around on his plate, unable to look at Castiel.  
“Didn’t we go over this in group?” Dean tried to look as annoyed as possible.  
“I guess we did, but it didn’t look like that’s what had really happened”  
Dean made himself look up. He looked so innocent. He couldn’t fall into that trap. He got up. “I’m gonna go back to my room now.” he said probably a little too urgently. He threw out his food, cleaned up his place and went back to his room as fast as he could.  
\- -  
Castiel sat there. 'What did I do wrong?' He just wanted to help Dean. He wanted Dean to know that his Sorry Ass could be living for something. He looked down at his hands, and thought about the night sky on his ceiling. He was still sitting there when Anna came over.  
“Hey sweetie, I know you’re thinking about blue skies and rainbows, but dinner’s been over for an hour, you need to clean up your place for movie time.”  
Cas nodded. He cleaned up his place and went into the movie room. They weren’t allowed to watch movies that were over PG, but there was nothing Castiel loved more than Street Rats and Princesses and Beasts and evil guys that turn out to just want love and all of the disney movies. He looked around. No Dean. You could skip out on movies if you wanted. He guessed that Dean wouldn’t be into this sort of movie. He’d hoped, though.  
Some of the other patients were there besides Dean, though. A lovely old lady who grew flowers to watch the bees and loved to slow dance with some mysterious no one was always at the movie. Most of the teenagers were there. 15, 16 year olds sitting watching disney movies and singing along like they’d never get another chance and like it was the most perfect thing they’d ever heard. He wondered why they were in the hospital in the first place if they seemed so happy. Then he’d see their arms accidentally and remember how people can have happy moments but still be very sad. He wondered why he didn’t feel a need to fix them instead of Dean. He wondered what it was about Dean that made him so intent on making him see that life wasn’t just for scratching at your wrists. And then he realized that it was halfway through Mulan (the teenagers were singing more loudly than usual to the song about making men? Something like that.) and he hadn’t even noticed because he was thinking too hard. This was supposed to be his break from thinking so much. He sat back and watched the rest of the movie until someone walked in.  
\- -  
Dean was in his room, pacing back and forth while Michael blocked him out. Michael was getting good at blocking things out instead of exploding. He’d probably be let out soon. Dean wouldn’t. He wouldn’t because he hated it there. And the more you hate a place like this piece of shit the longer you had to stay. He looked over at his desk. The drawings from the morning were still there. He needed to turn them in before lights out. He went to do that. He passed by the movie room and heard the lousy teenagers singing like their life depended on it. Then again, in a place like this, it might. He wondered if here were to be in there singing like that if they’d let him out sooner. On his way back he glanced in and saw Castiel sitting there, crossed legged, right in the middle. The teenagers didn’t need to see the movie to know exactly what was happening. They’d seen it far too many times. But Castiel was just sitting there, actually enjoying a movie like this. He looked at the movie. Some really creepy animated dude ('how do you make an animated person THAT CREEPY’ he wondered) was on the roof trying to kill this asian animated chick. Well if he’d known they were Asian animations he’d have joined in right away! He sat down on one of the couches to watch the last 15 minutes of the movie, completely unknowing of what it was actually about. Castiel glanced up and saw him there. Dean guessed that he was surprised because his face went white.  
\- -  
Castiel couldn’t move. He saw Dean there, Dean ACTUALLY WATCHING the movie, and he panicked. He wasn’t prepared to see him. He had to be prepared to see people to be able to interact with them. He had to expect it. While he’d hoped Dean would show up he didn’t expect it at all. He ran out of the movie room a few minutes before it ended and went into his room. He stared up at the ceiling. He needed to take down the picture of the night sky and put in a picture of a sunrise. He also needed a plan on how to make Dean see the good moments in life. The good in the world that’s worth fighting for. He knew that was the therapists job but the therapists tended to be shit at it. He needed a plan but to do that he needed to be friends with Dean and find out more about him. Maybe Anna could help. He’d ask her in the morning. At the moment the comforter looked very appealing to be underneath. He fell asleep pretty quickly.  
He’d made it through his first day there.  
\- -  
Dean watched the last of the movie, wondering why Castiel had run like that. He’d ask him in the morning. It got cold at night and now that the room had cleared out a little bit he realized that Castiel wasn’t going to come back and try and talk to him. He went to bed.  
He’d made it through a third day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say that I titled this The Hell House and then realized a couple of days later that there's actually an episode of the show called Hell House....like of course there is...silly Julia.


	2. I'm Looking For The Two Of Us

At breakfast the next day, Castiel approached Dean. “How’d you like the movie?”  
“I only saw the last 15 minutes. I had no clue what was going on.”  
“Why’d you come in then?”  
‘should I say for the asians or should I say for Cas’ he wondered.  
'Lets see what happens if I actually say why'  
"I saw you in there with all the teenage girls and thought that if you could like a movie like that then I should give it a try"  
Castiel's eyes lit up. "Did you like what you saw?" Castiel asked excitedly.  
"Yea I guess. I just think it would help to know the plot. Not that I'll probably ever watch it again." He tried to be nonchalant about the fact that he had liked what he saw and he would very much like to see it again. It would have to stay a secret. Like Dr. Sexy MD. It must never be spoken of.  
“We should watch it again together during free time and do some more of the puzzle.” Cas looked like he’d explode any minute.  
“..er..yea. Sure. Why not.”  
They spent the rest of breakfast talking. They made random conversation. Dean felt pretty good. Like Cas was a piece of pie. But he was a person. It was easier to talk to a person. He felt the bottle empty a little. It didn’t get bigger, things just fell out. Nothing huge, it was small things like hating this place. He also told Castiel how he ended up there. Cas didn’t talk much. He was pretty quiet, but when he did talk, he sort of commanded the conversation. It wasn’t in any way bad, though. He didn’t overtake it, and he didn’t mean to invalidate anything Dean said. They talked about the people there. The doctors, the counselors. They talked past their first free time and had to go to group. They walked there together.  
Group was Dean’s least favorite part of being in the Hell Hole. He didn’t particularly love long conversations about feelings. He generally lied his ass off to make it took like he was less suicidal and depressed than he was.  
At least this time he’d have someone he interacted with outside of the therapy now. He looked over at Castiel. The boy who called himself an angel but really just felt like certain people’s lives were his to fix. Who ended up here because his brother checked him in. He sighed. This was going to be a long group session.  
\- -  
Castiel knew Dean was staring at him. He felt the heat rising to his cheeks. Keep it cool. Be his friend. Just be his friend. Forget the crush. Focus on getting to know him. He sighed. This was going to be a long group session.

After group, he and Dean had to go their separate ways. Castiel went to his own therapy.  
Cas got to Anna’s room and slumped into his favorite chair by the fire in her room.  
“So Cas, how’s it going with Dean?” Anna asked politely, getting their conversation started.  
“Well I mean…he’ll talk to me now without looking at me like I’m a freak, which is always good.” He looked at Anna hopefully. She nodded. When Castiel was around most people he tended to only talk when he had something really, really important to add to the dialogue. But with Anna, something about her made him dump his guts out. He’d never been able to accomplish that with any other therapist.  
“He’s…well I can tell when he’s lying, but I don’t push it because I know that if I push it he’ll get mad but I’m starting to get frustrated with just talking about random shit. I want to go a lot deeper but I don’t know how to bring it up without it being completely forced and I don’t want Dean to know what I’m up to I want it to seem like it’s what anyone would do and - “ he took a deep breath.  
Anna looked at him sympathetically.  
“I’m sure you’re doing great. Get to know him and he’ll open up. If you got him talking, I’m sure it won’t be long.”  
“We’re watching Mulan and doing an I Spy puzzle after this. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to expect because for some reason I’m awful at trying to talk to people yet I want to get to know them so that I can make them see how life’s worth it. My stupid inability to put words into sentences that’ll actually help them and not make them feel awful. It’s what happened with… with..Lucifer. Why is it I can blurt all of this out to you, can’t get a word out of anything that I actually care about to Dean, can barely function around other people, and can’t seem to find a middle ground?” Cas had been looking at his feet, talking to his shoes. He looked up at Anna.  
“It sounds like you have found a common ground.”  
“Huh?”  
“In Dean.”  
“What?!”  
“In Dean you’ve figured out how to make small talk, and haven’t figured out a way to bring up something that you’re trying to get off your chest, with me you blurt out everything that’s on your mind, and with other people you’re perfectly comfortable sitting there in total silence.”  
Castiel sat back and thought about it. It did make sense. And it would have to be enough for now.  
\- -  
After his alone therapy, Dean went to do his next art assignment. They had one due at the end of every day. He assumed Castiel was painting the sky like he enjoyed so much. Dean wondered if Cas would paint Dean’s sky, and what it would look like. Maybe he’d ask next time he saw him. They were supposed to meet up in an hour to finish the puzzle and watch all of Mulan. He started humming the song and writing out the lyrics.  
“Long, Long Way From Home” (“After School Special”)  
It was a Monday  
A day like any other day  
I left a small town  
For the Apple in decay

It was my destiny  
It's what we needed to do  
They were telling me  
I'm telling you

I was inside looking outside  
The millions of faces  
But still I'm alone  
Waiting, hours of waiting  
Paying a penance  
I was longing for home

I'm looking out for the two of us  
I hope we'll be here when they're through with us

I was inside looking outside  
Oh the millions of faces  
But still I'm alone  
Waiting, hours of waiting  
I could feel the tension  
I was longing for home

I'm looking out for the two of us  
And I hope we'll be here when they're through with us  
I'm coming home

Monday, sad, sad Monday  
She's waiting for me  
But I'm a long, long way from home

Sad, sad Monday  
She's waiting for me  
But I'm a long, long way from home

Sad, sad Monday  
Oh she's waiting for me  
But I'm a long, long way from home  
Since he’d gotten locked up in The Hell Hole (although it was looking less like a hell hole today) he’d missed home. He was “looking for the two of us”, but not anyone in particular that he knew of. He just wanted a proper friend. Someone who wasn’t his worried little brother and who wouldn’t give him the look that tore him apart and forced him to smile when he couldn’t find anything to smile for. He wanted Castiel to know that. He might actually have some kind of friendship and he wanted Castiel to know that he was poison to the people around him. The people that love him end up disappointed or hurt by him. And he wants Castiel to know that. That he wants a friend but doesn’t want to hurt him.  
\- -  
Casitel walked into the room he’d be meeting Dean in. He walked over to the puzzle that was out. He had always loved puzzles like this. They were a lot simpler than people. With people there could be more than one right answer, and more than one wrong. With physical puzzles like this there was only one right answer, and it was clear an definite. He picked up a piece.  
“Are you going to try and put the puzzle together or are you just going to stare at it until it makes itself?”  
Cas turned around and grinned.  
“Hi Dean.”  
“Hey. We better start that movie if we want to finish it by dinner.” Dean nodded to the VHS tape of Mulan in Cas’s hand.  
They both sat down and put the tape in. Castiel felt like he was showing something he was proud of to someone who he was afraid wouldn’t appreciate it the way he did. Maybe if Dean liked it they could watch some of the disney movies he liked more. Like Beauty and The Beast.  
By the time they’d gotten halfway through the movie, they’d finished the puzzle. They also were barely watching it anymore. They were just talking again. Cas was starting to be able to talk to Dean.  
“Let’s play that game where we each ask each other a question to like, get to know each other better” Dean said through a fit of laughter at Cas’s last comment on the movie.  
“Ok, sounds good to me” Castiel said, unaware of why what he said was so funny. “Oh and no lying” he added.  
“Ok we should start it off really simple. What’s your favorite color?” Dean asked with a smirk.  
Castiel laughed “My favorite color? Seriously? You won’t even remember by the end of the movie!”  
“Aww come on just answer the question” Dean gave Castiel the biggest puppy dog face that made Cas’s heart melt instantly.  
“It’s yellow. Like the bees, and the sun and the stars at night that I paint. What do you want to do the second you get out of here?”  
“Aww I don’t get to tell you what my favorite color is?” he pouted again. But Cas was ready this time.  
“Nope. Answer the question or I’m taking Mulan and ripping the puzzle to shreds."  
“I’m going to eat some PIE!!!! And nothing like the crap here. No, I want to go to my favorite pie shop called my brothers kitchen and steal all the pie he has. What about you?”  
Castiel thought long and hard about what he’d do when he got out of here. He didn’t really think that far ahead. “I have no idea. Nothing special, most likely.”  
“You won’t do anything special to celebrate leaving The Hell Hole?”  
Castiel squinted at him, confused, then shook his head. “I don’t see anything very special about leaving a place where I’m supposed to come out better than I left it.”  
“I guess that’s one way to put it” Dean grumbled. “but I’m still going to celebrate with pie.”  
Castiel chuckled. “Ok…my turn…” he looked around the room, trying to find inspiration. “Actually I have no idea so what’s your favorite…song?”  
“I still don’t get to say my favorite color?” Dean whined.  
“Fine, fine if you must say your favorite color to me, you can answer that instead.”  
Dean smiled like a little kid getting exactly what he wanted.  
“My favorite song is a tie between Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble on” and “traveling Riverside Blues. And my favorite color is also yellow.”  
“Hey you answered two you broke the rules” Cas tried to pout but Dean had a cocky smile on his face.  
“you asked two questions.”  
“So?!"  
“So…what’s your favorite thing about me?" He asked, bating his eyelashes.  
Castiel went bright red and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. If Dean had noticed that Castiel's heart was in his throat about to choke him, he didn't show it.  
“umm…honestly?”  
Dean nodded.  
“Your bright green eyes. They’re easy to stare at and hard to miss.” Dean looked a little taken aback by this comment, but tried to let it slide.  
“And what’s your question?"  
"Can I ask you why you're in here?"  
"Don't you know already, angel boy?"  
Castiel looked into Dean's eyes. The boy he'd spent all night unable to keep from his mind. He was thinking about Dean’s sky. How it’d be just before the sunrise was going to start. When the sky was lighter than midnight but still not at the full sunrise. "No" he whispered.  
\- -  
Dean sighed. How was he supposed to say this as if it were natural conversation? He’d said it in group loads of times, because that’s what he was supposed to say. So that’s what he repeated.  
“I’m suicidal and depressed”  
“I want your side of the story, not the therapists.”  
Dean looked into Cas’s eyes. They were a bright blue, like the ocean. You could drown in them. He stumbled for his words. He wanted to tell Cas the truth, but there was something stopping him. He didn’t want to be poison to someone as pure as the blue eyed angel. But he wanted to be honest. He wanted to empty the bottle. Somewhere deep in his mind, he dug up why it was he’d tried to commit suicide.  
“I…I don’t… because everyone was expecting too much, and asking too much and trying to form me into this person and I couldn’t take it. They were all telling me what to do constantly and not in a friendly helpful way no they were pushing it down my throat and I became such a disappointment to my dad that he stopped talking to me. One day he just…left. And Sam’s getting married and won’t talk so I just started making a bottle in my mind and kept filling it and filling it until the bottle cracked one day” he made the motion of something breaking, and then put his hands in his lap and looked down at them, pausing and taking a breath to try and keep himself together. “I just wanted them to stop. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to not have to feel any of the disappointment I was putting on them…I just didn’t want to feel any of it. Not one damn bit.”  
He couldn’t bring himself to look at Castiel. He just couldn’t. He didn’t know why he was telling him any of this. But the bottle hadn’t just emptied a little. It had spilled and it’s contents were rushing out of his mouth before he could close it. Finally, after a relatively long pause without Castiel saying anything, he got up and went back to his room. He needed to be alone someplace. He needed to let it out, alone. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed to cry.  
He found a quiet corner, away from everyone, and sat against the wall. He sighed. He knew he shouldn’t have let the bottle spill. He shouldn’t have been so easily cracked. Some pretty blue eyes and he just gushed his heart out. It wasn’t at all like him, and he shouldn’t have done it. He beat his head against the wall going, “stupid, stupid, stupid” when a voice came up next to him.  
“you aren’t stupid”  
“what are you, a stalker?” Dean whispered hoarsely.  
“Is that your question?”  
“no. I’m done with that game, Cas.”  
Cas quickly looked away from Dean as a tear rolled down his cheek.  
'Ahhhh shit’ he thought. 'Push it in the bottle’. But the bottle was broken, and it wasn’t going to fix itself that easily.  
Castiel felt like he’d failed.  
“I’m sorry, Dean.”  
“Yea. I’m sure you are.”  
“Dean I was trying - “  
“To fix me, I know. Like everyone in The Hell Hole”  
“Why do you call it that?”  
“Because this place makes me feel like more screwed up than I am. If I had just gotten away with the fucking suicide like I planned, it wouldn’t be an issue. But now it’s worse than it was out there because out there I could try and die but in here not only are they forcing on my what I have to be but they’re telling me that I’m not normal. And they’re trying to fix that abnormal part of me and they won’t just listen to me when I try and actually say what’s on my mind. This place is like living through hell.”  
Castiel nodded and looked away, squinting again. Dean thought he did that when he was confused.  
“You know why I’m in here?” Castiel asked slowly, as if trying not to hurt someone he’d just ripped the band aid off of. Dean looked at the opposite wall, jaw locked.  
“I know what you told the therapists”  
“Do you want to hear my version?”  
Dean looked into the ocean eyes. They really were, so sorry. They were hopeful. They were looking for the two of them.  
He nodded.  
Castiel looked at his hands.  
“I call myself an angel because I do seriously believe that I’ve been sent down to earth to help people and to be their guardian angel. But it’s more than that. I’ll see people…and I’ll know their life is broken. I see the night sky over them. Then I’ll look at other people and I’ll see how happy they are and I’ll see a summer day over them. And… and I don’t just see it…I have to…t help them. I have to make their night sky into a dawn. I have to make them know that there’s good in the world and that it’s worth fighting for. There’s pie. There are the bees. There’s tea on a rainy day…so many small things that make it so important to live..and I just want people to see that. And..well.. I went to far with it. I…I…I did what your life did to you, to someone I cared about more than anything in the entire world. Except they didn’t live, and their dawn never came. It just got darker and darker the harder I tried. And I want you to know…that..that I’m trying so so hard to not screw anything up with you. So that your green eyes that are easy to stare at and hard to miss will stay that way. And..and” Casteil was trying to breath through sobs. Dean could tell they both needed to cool down, but the dinner bell was ringing. They didn’t have much time.  
“Here, come with me.” Dean’s voice was still hoarse.  
\- -  
“W-where are you taking me?” Cas tried to breath and talk and calm down but the tears just wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t they stop?!  
“We’re going to get cleaned up in the bathroom so that that conversation will remain between us, and no one will get worried.” They hurried along the hallway until they got to the bathroom.  
Dean led Cas over to the sink. Cas was too caught up in trying to not cry that he barely noticed what was going on, or how concerned Dean was with Cas at least looking like he was okay.  
Dean splashed some water on his face. It felt so cold and refreshing and it made it seem like even if he’d been crying he could stop now, because the moment had passed. Dean splashed water on his own faced, looked at Cas and said, “ok, no fake a smile for the people outside who expect you to be happy”  
Castiel attempted to move his lips. Dean looked so serious and concerned and it was so hard to fake a smile after that.  
“Good enough” Dean finally said.  
They walked into the dining hall together, and sat in silence, Castiel trying to force down food. He hadn’t felt this bad since it had actually happened. He didn’t know how to handle it. But Dean did. Dean knew about faking smilies and forcing down food and pretending you’re amused when someone said something funny. Castiel didn’t even know when something was funny in the first place. Dean kept making sure he was doing okay. He didn’t know why Dean was being so nice. It was Castiel that was supposed to be the one who was helping Dean, not the other way around.

Neither of them went to the movie that night.  
But they’d made it through another day.


	3. The Sky Above Your Head

Dean knew it wasn’t healthy to form a relationship too fast. He also knew what it was like when that relationship fell through to shit because it had been made to quickly to be able to function. Even still, he found himself ignoring past mistakes and thinking about Castiel way more than he should have. He found himself drowning in the ocean more than he should have. But the next morning when he walked into the movie room to put away the puzzle they’d left there, he wasn’t prepared for what he found.  
Painted on the finished puzzle was a beautiful painting of the sky right before the sun went up. It was light, but not daytime, and still dark enough to have a hard time seeing. Was that dawn? Underneath it was a sticky note that said ‘the sky above your head'. Dean wasn’t much for sappy things, but the painting itself took his breath away.  
He thought back to the night before. Seeing Cas cry was like seeing a wounded puppy. It brought out the older brother in him. He hadn’t seen anyone cry that hard since he’d woken up in the hospital with Sam sitting in a chair next to him. And something about him waking up had cracked something inside of Sam. And it was the first time he’d ever gotten 'the look’ from Sam. He’d gotten it from other people before, but Sam usually knew that it caused Dean to lie, and lie a lot. At least Dean hoped Sam knew that.   
He couldn’t stop staring at the painting on the puzzle. It was beautiful, but was he supposed to tell the supervisors?  
Not knowing what to do, he went to breakfast. Castiel wasn’t there. His roommate Meg was, though. Dean went up to Meg.  
“Do you know where Cas is?”  
“Who, Clarence?” Meg smirked. Dean looked down at her plate. She had two.  
“If that’s what you call him” Dean said grumpily.  
“He’s in his room sick. Bad fever, apparently. They told me to bring him food.”   
Why was she smiling at this?  
He walked away, a little confused.  
\- -  
Back in his room Castiel was staring at the ceiling. He’d snuck out the previous night to paint on the puzzle. But after he’d finished painting and gone back to his room, he’d started crying again. And he couldn’t stop. And he’d given himself a fever just from crying. He hadn’t known that was possible. He woke Meg up and asked if she’d get someone, feeling very dizzy standing there. He felt his way back to his bed and sat there, tears just streaming down his face. He didn’t even know what he was so sad about. Meg had gone for someone, though. So now he was in his bed, really, really sick. Meg came in with some breakfast.  
“Here you go, Clarence. Fresh from the hell’s kitchen.”  
“You and Dean” Castiel muttered.  
“What?” She whirled around. He’d forgotten she heard all.  
“Nothing” He waved his hand.  
“Speaking of Dean, he asked about you”   
“He did?” Cas looked up weakly.  
“Yup. Told him you were sick as a dog.” Meg said. It wasn’t what she was saying that made you want to throw something at her. It was the way she said it. As if she had something over him. As if she were so much better and knew so many things that she’d tease about but never reveal. It was demeaning.  
“Thanks” he muttered, rolling his eyes.  
\- -  
Dean took his breakfast and sat down alone. He didn’t really mind all that much. Castiel was sick, there wasn’t much he could do. Then suddenly a voice from behind him, that was way too eager and excited and trying way too hard said hello from behind him.  
“Hi. I’m Kevin. Can I sit here?” He looked like he might cry if Dean said no, so Dean grumbled a yes and the boy sat down.  
He looked at Dean for a few seconds, as if expecting him to do something first, give him permission to talk or something.  
“Can you talk, kid?” Dean asked.  
“Oh sure I can, but lots of people walk away when I open my mouth.” He talked rally quickly, as if expecting Dean to walk away, and wanting to get his point in before that.  
“Yeah, well I can see why.” Dean mumbled.  
“I mean ever since I was little, when I’ve been in a situation like this, where there’s no contact with other people, and they take away our phones, sort of like summer camp but not really cuz we’re all too fucked up for that. But I just go haywire. Luckily everyone here is a little more understanding of that because no one would be here if their head were right.” He seemed to not breathe when he talked. Just go through everything in his mind and blurt it through his mouth.  
Dean looked at him, trying really hard not to look as annoyed as he was. Maybe Cas was giving him his patience for this place. He’d given him a chance and turned out to be amazing, so why not give this..what was his name?...Kevin? kid a chance.  
Dean just nodded. “I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say” he finally answered honestly.  
“Oh that’s okay just the fact that you haven’t walked away yet is honestly enough for me.” His talking had slowed down. He was actually talking normally. Dean hadn’t walked away, so the kid relaxed a little bit.  
“Do you have any friends here yet?” Dean asked him.  
“I found a couple of the teenage girls checking me out, but apart from that, no.” he sighed. “what about you?”   
“One, yeah. He’s in his room sick at the moment. But I’m sure you’ll meet him soon.”  
“What’s his name?”  
“Castiel”  
“What’s your name?”  
“Dean”  
The kid nodded as if he were soaking up all of that information and he’d never let go of it.  
“Hey so, I’m done with breakfast, but we have a break until group. Do you want to like, talk while doing a puzzle or something? Cuz I’ll be in the game room doing a puzzle.” the kid wasn’t even looking at him. Dean felt like it was he who was rambling now. He shut up.  
“sure”  
Wow this kid sure got quiet. Dean got up and threw out his trash, and went back to his room. Besides he had another art assignment to do.

Back in his room, Dean had to think really long and hard about what song he felt like he should do. It took him a really long time, but finally he knew what he should do.  
“Heat of the Moment” (“Mystery Spot”)  
I never meant to be so bad to you  
One thing I said that I would never do  
One look from you and I would fall from grace  
And that would wipe this smile right from my face

Do you remember when we used to dance  
And incidence arose from circumstance  
One thing lead to another we were young  
And we would scream together songs unsung

It was the heat of the moment  
Telling me what your heart meant  
Heat of the moment shone in your eyes

And now you find yourself in 82  
The disco hotspots hold no charm for you  
You can't concern yourself with bigger things  
You catch the pearl and ride the dragon's wings

It was the heat of the moment  
Telling me what your heart meant  
Heat of the moment shone in your eyes

And when your looks are gone and you're alone  
How many nights you sit beside the phone  
What were the things you wanted for yourself  
Teenage ambition you remember well

It was the heat of the moment  
Telling me what your heart meant  
Heat of the moment shone in your eyes  
It fit what happened the night before. It fit what he felt. What the hell was he doing?   
\- -  
Back in his room, Castiel was doing the one thing he knew how. He was painting. Painting the clouds, because these were storm clouds blocking out seeing the sky. Because for the first time that’s what was going through his mind. And his whole body felt more tense. Meg wasn’t there. He was trying to keep track of the time, because still had to go to group therapy, even if he was sick. And he still had to see Anna. Not that he minded, because he could use it after last night. His mind wasn’t thinking like it should. There were so many thoughts that he couldn’t even differentiate between them or hear any of them. He could see them swimming in front of his face but it was like the clouds. There were so many on top of one another that you couldn’t tell where any one cloud started. His head just felt overweight.  
\- -  
There was a knock on Dean’s door.   
“Dean? Your brother’s here to visit” one of the supervisors told him.  
Dean got up to meet Sam in the visiting area, feeling hopeful that he’d be able to give him some good news.  
No such luck. Sam had very obviously been crying.   
“Sam what the hell happened?”  
“She…she got in a cars accident, Dean. Yeste…yesterday. And…and she… Dean Jess died yesterday.”   
Dean backed up. He backed up until he felt the wall behind him and he leaned against it for support. Jess, the girl who was absolutely perfect for his brother. Jess, the girl who helped Sam realize his dreams of Law School. And got him to do a cooking class because she knew how much he loved cooking.  
“I’m gonna get out, Sam.” Dean whispered  
“What?”  
“I’m gonna get out of here, and then I’ll be there for you so that you won’t be alone for this. As soon as I can, I’ll be there next to you.” Dean got stronger with every word. He had something to work for. He needed to get “better” and get out so that he could be there for his brother. He didn’t need to fix him like Cas did, he just needed to be there to help. “I’m gonna get out.”  
“I believe you” Sam said, tears streaming down his face.  
“Good.”  
\- -  
Castiel had about five blankets going into group. As soon as he walked in, Dean perked up. It was quite amusing, actually. And there was a new kid there, too. He said his name was Kevin. The group therapy here worked kind of weirdly. Because so many people came and went, they couldn’t have one set group of people. It was usually the same, but as one person left another would come. So they’d have to go around and say why they were here. Again. And Cas got to hear Dean’s therapist - censored story again and Dean got to hear Cas’. The one they were both unprepared for was Kevin’s. For such a young and small boy he had a ton on his plate. You could tell he needed to get it all out to someone because he talked a mile a minute at first, like it was a pot of water boiling over, but eventually got slower and slower as he said all he wanted to say. Cas saw a thunderstorm above him. With lighting and thunder. He’d had a mental breakdown because of stress levels at his school. He was found wandering around his block talking to imaginary birds, but he didn’t remember even leaving his house. He explained the story in such detail that Castiel could literally see the storm cloud forming over his head and when it started raining, he didn’t start crying. Most of the time they cried. 'Kevin must really have his shit together compared to the rest of us’ Castiel thought. Then again he was here. And being here meant you couldn’t function out there. He was starting to see why it was The Hell Hole. He felt a tap on his arm. It he turned. It was Dean. Dean smiled at him, his green eyes shining. Cas tried to smile back. Finally Kevin’s story ended.  
\- -  
“What am I going to do about this?” He slumped onto the couch across from Ellen again.  
“Well what do you want to do, Dean?” She never did like to give him instructions. She liked him to figure it out for himself.  
“He fucking cracked the bottle. Even my own brother couldn’t empty it. And now I have a big thing I want to shove into it but it’s completely broken.”  
“What is this big thing you’re trying to push into this tiny bottle in your head now?” She looked at him, somewhat concerned, but knowing that he couldn’t do too much that was very bad here. Dean saw this in her face. He signed.   
He didn’t know how to phrase this. He’d never been completely straight, but he’d only ever had girlfriends. Sure he’d had crushes. But he tried not to because he knew he’d be poison to them. But he couldn’t stop thinking about those eyes. Those eyes that he drowned in. That made him forget why he was there. The eyes that made him want to live. That made him want pie. He couldn’t help but feel something he hadn’t felt before. And he’d kept trying to not fall after only knowing the guy for two days but he couldn’t just not fall for him. And somehow all of that poured out of his mouth. When he’d finished he slapped his hand over his mouth. “I wasn’t supposed to say that. I was supposed to think about it before I said it. No no no I wasn’t supposed to do that.”  
Ellen was looking at him like she cared about him more than anything, and knew a secret he’d never know.   
“That’s okay. Let’s keep it between us.” She winked at him.  
Dean sighed.  
“But what about the bottle? What am I supposed to do now that I can’t even keep my feelings in my head? What about the people who don’t want to hear them?”  
“Look Dean, the bottle broke. But you still have your common sense. If someone doesn’t want to hear it, wait until you’re around someone who’ll actually listen. If it’ll help you, I can give you a notebook to write it in until you’re around someone who’ll hear you.”  
“What like a diary?” Dean asked sarcastically.  
“If that’s what you want to call it” Ellen said bittersweetly.  
“I guess it’s worth a shot”  
\- -  
Castiel was getting bored sitting in his room painting the entire day. He wasn’t really supposed to go outside of his room except for therapy and not talking to Dean all day wasn’t making him feel any better. He saw him in group, but group doesn’t really count because they couldn’t talk about what they really wanted. Maybe he’d go to the movie tonight.  
He turned on his personal boom box that they let him keep in his room. He listened to classical music a lot, and no one else really liked it so he could only play it in his room, and only when Meg wasn’t there. He sat on his bed and tried to think clearly, but he still couldn’t.   
\- -  
Dean sat there waiting for Kevin for a long time. He finished the outline of the puzzle by the time he got there. He had a book in his hand. Who had books around here?  
“Sorry I’m late, I had to get this book approved. They had to make sure it wasn’t a school book.” Kevin rolled his eyes at the supervisors stupidity. “Why would I take a school book here? I wanted to get away from the stress, not take it with me” He was talking rather fast again.  
Dean shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t really read. At all.”  
“I can’t really go anywhere without some kind of book” Kevin said excitedly.  
“I can’t really go anywhere without music but they wouldn’t approve it for me”  
“You have to make sure they won’t think of it as something that’ll make your recovery go backwards. Like, they’d never approve a song that makes you want to commit suicide”  
Dean was a little annoyed with this kid who seemed to know it all.  
“Yeah, I know, I’ve been here for five days.”  
“Sorry” Kevin had noticed Dean’s social cue. This was a first for someone in The Hell Hole.  
“So what is it you’re reading?” Dean asked, trying to change the subject.  
“Well before I came here I was reading Dante’s Inferno, and they’d NEVER approve that. But this is The Great Gadsby. I’ve already read it, but I love it, so I might as well read it again.” He tended to talk faster when he was more passionate about things. And he must’ve been very, very passionate about books because Dean could barely keep up with what he was saying.  
“..what?”  
“Oh..sorry. Was I talking too fast? I can’t seem to control that. I don’t even realize I was doing it.” He was purposefully trying really hard to talk calmly, and Dean could tell.  
“Eh you’re fine.” Dean waved his hand.  
He looked down at the picture for this puzzle. The I Spy one had mysteriously vanished after breakfast. So this one was some sort of shitty nature picture.   
\- -  
Cas heard the dinner bell ringing. Meg asked him if he wanted her to bring him dinner. He shook his head. He’d get up and eat. He wanted to see Dean and actually get to talk to him. It took a lot of effort to get up, though. He felt like he was floating in the clouds. He held the blanket close around him so that he would stop shivering. It only half worked.  
Walking out of his room was the hardest part. The thoughts that were overwhelming doubled in size as he opened the door. Every sound seemed to be twice as loud as it should be.   
He finally made it to the dining hall. Dean was sitting next to Kevin, and Kevin was reading. Castiel sat down.  
“Hey” he said weakly.  
Dean looked up right away. Castiel felt his heart jump.  
“Hey there, angel boy” Dean smiled. Cas could feel his heart melting. This had been a really bad idea. The sky above Dean was getting lighter, as if the sun was coming up. Kevin’s wasn’t storm clouds like it had been in group. It was more like a fake out, Where you’re driving and one mile it’s pouring and the next it’s just cloudy. Castiel’s head started swimming.  
“Do you want me to get you food?” Dean asked. Maybe he’d seen Cas wasn’t really all that okay. He nodded. When Dean came back he plucked up enough courage to ask him about movie night.  
“Yeah! Sure I’d love to go! What movie is it tonight?”  
“I don’t know” Cas said hoarsely. “But I’m sure it’ll be a disney musical. The teenagers would have a fit if it wasn’t”  
“That’s very, very true.” Dean agreed.

So after dinner that’s what they did. Kevin missed all of their conversation, he’d been too busy reading. But he went to bed right after dinner.  
\- -  
The movie was Lady and the Tramp. The movie amused Dean so much, but it didn’t look like Castiel understood why. The teenagers in the room kept giving Dean rude glances when he’d randomly start snickering at a line. He didn’t feel that bad about it. So what if he had a dirty mind? The movie was called Lady and the Tramp for a reason. And he was enjoying himself. He was with Cas. Cas didn’t look like he was enjoying himself, though. Dean didn’t know what it was he was supposed to do about it, though. So he tried to stop making jokes about the rest of the movie. Castiel looked like he appreciated it. When the movie was over, Dean asked if Castiel was okay. He said he was, and Dean left it at that. They bother went to bed.  
\- -  
Cas had wished Dean had actually made sure he was okay. He stayed up later than he should have trying to fall asleep.

They’d made it through another day.


	4. Carry On My Wayward Son

Castiel woke up with a pounding headache. His music was playing next to him. Meg must’ve put it on while he was sleeping. Maybe he’d been sleeping restlessly. She’d done that before. He assumed everyone was at breakfast by now. He got up and went to get some water. While he was out there he ran into Dean.  
“Hey. Are you okay?” Dean looked really concerned. It made Cas feel a little better.  
“Yeah. Something’s just screwing with my head. I haven’t been able to figure it out yet because there are too many thoughts running around in my head and I can’t think straight…”Cas trailed off. He looked back up at Dean.  
“Can I draw you something?” Dean asked. He looked so hopeful.  
“Of course you can” Castiel answered affectionately.  
“Ok. Good. Will you be in group?”  
“I don’t really have a choice. I have to go to both group and personal therapy. Or, you know…bad things happen to me”  
Dean nodded. "Ok well I better go if I want to get it to you by group time!”  
And with that Dean was off. Cas could tell he was really, really excited about it. The thought made him smile. He couldn’t stop, thinking that Dean was going to make something special, just for him.  
\- -  
Dean knew exactly what he wanted to make. He’d slept very little planning it all out. He wanted to make one of his song lyric pictures for Cas to the chorus of Carry On Wayward Son. It was the only song they approved for him. So he went right away to the boom box and played it, singing along like crazy. It was perfect for him, and it would be beautiful. He wanted the angel boy with pretty blue eyes to know that he cared. So he sat down right away to work.  
“Carry On Wayward Son"  
Carry on my wayward son  
There’ll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don’t you cry no more  
He had only meant to do the chorus. But then he started singing it. He could see Michael in the corner being annoyed but he didn’t pay any attention. He was completely in the zone. And before he knew it he’d done the entire song.  
Once I rose above the noise and confusion  
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion  
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man  
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man  
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming,  
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son,  
There'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason  
My charade is the event of the season  
And if I claim to be a wise man,  
Well, it surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion  
Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean  
I set a course for winds of fortune,  
But I hear the voices say

Carry on, you will always remember  
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor  
Now your life's no longer empty  
Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son  
There'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more no!

Each verse was on a separate sheet of paper, with a picture that matched the lyric. On the first chorus the lyrics were written into a road that wound up and up until it reached the top of the page, zigzagging. The verse after had the lyrics in the center with an angel wing on either side. The verse right after had the profile of a head with the lyrics circling around it, starting at the mouth. For the second chorus he drew a piece of paper on the page, and made the lyrics look like they were coming off of the page. On the verse after that he drew a rose with the petals falling off. The lyrics were on the bottom, written as if they were the table there. After that he drew the ocean, and made the lyrics waves. Then on the last chorus he drew the mountains, and the lyrics were the outline. He knew Cas would love it. When he was done, he flew out of his room to go find Cas. They had about 10 minutes before group. He found him sitting next to Kevin, trying to get him out of the book he was reading, and Kevin looked very annoyed. He probably wasn’t even reading anymore, just trying to ignore Cas. He tapped Castiel on the shoulder.  
When he turned around and saw it was Dean, he sprang up.  
“I finished” Dean said, a huge smile on his face. He could feel himself beginning to be okay, just from knowing Cas, and he hoped this would show it. Cas’s face lit up.  
“They’re beautiful” Cas said with a smile.  
\- -  
He couldn’t stop smiling, in fact. And when Dean explained to him that it was the lyrics of his favorite song, Cas knew that he’d have to listen to it and memorize it so that he’d never forget about it. The clouds were opening a little, and Dean was getting his sunrise. In group he could say that. He could say that he felt loved, and like he was doing something right. He could say that he didn’t even know what he did but it worked and that he’s finally starting to be okay.  
\- -  
Dean could say that there was finally someone there who he knew wouldn’t leave him, because he couldn’t leave and live with himself. He had someone who would listen, and knew he wouldn’t fix him, but he’d listen anyway. He would care, and he wouldn’t stop caring. And as long as his shit didn’t hurt him, and it hadn’t yet, he’d be fine. And he could say that it felt good. And that he was okay.  
\- -  
“These are gorgeous” Anna agreed when Cas brought them to her after group.  
“Aren’t they though?” He’d never been so excited. Dean was okay with him. He was okay with Cas trying to be there. He could be an angel. He didn’t have to fix everything, he could just be there and Dean was okay with that. And so was he. It was going to be okay, because they’d be there for each other and love each other. Okay maybe not love the way he thought they would. He was saying all of this talking at a mile a minute to try and get everything out to Anna because he couldn’t stop thinking about any of it.  
“Cas, calm down” Anna told him, laughing.  
"I can’t though!!!!!” Castiel almost shouted. He started jumping up and down. 

He didn’t even realize until he’d gotten back to his room, that on the back of each piece of paper Dean had written something about Cas. They said things like: “Favorite color: Yellow (Like the bees, and the sun and the stars at night that he paints)”, “Likes the color of my eyes (they’re easy to stare at and hard to miss)”, “Isn’t doing anything special when he gets out (unless I force him into it. Which I will)”, “Likes painting the sky, and sees a sky above everyone’s head”, “Will introduce me to every disney movie there is”. They were his favorite part. He couldn’t ever frame them, because then the best part of each poster would be missed.

He wasn’t sick anymore at all, just excited. And he wasn’t holding back in here because he didn’t have to. Anna understood and let him freak out as much as he wanted. He felt like he could walk on air. Like instead of being stuck in the clouds, hew was the cloud, and above him was the sun and below him was rain. He kept the pictures Dean had made him as nice as possible until he got back to his room. He showed them to Kevin, who was really only interested in the song the pictures were written to. He asked Dean to play the song during free time. All three of them sat down right next to the boom box as Dean put the song on. The instant it started it took Cas’s breath away. The beginning vocals that started out just singing “Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done” moved him more than any classical song he’d ever listened to. ‘I guess that’s what lyrics do’ he thought.  
\- -  
Dean was so glad that he’d liked the pictures so much. It didn’t matter if he’d never heard the song. He was listening to it now. And the look of pure awe Dean saw on his face was gratitude enough. He’d never seen someone look that into a song before. He should do this for people he liked more often.  
Then suddenly Cas was crying and Dean couldn’t figure out why. Kevin was reading again.  
"Hey what’s wrong?” Dean tried to soothe him.  
“Nothing, that’s just it. Nothing’s wrong and no one’s ever been so nice to me. No one’s ever accepted me like this and no one’s let me get close to them like you have” Dean would’ve kissed Cas right then, but the fact that there were so many mental supervisors everywhere stopped him.  
“No one’s ever tried to be my angel. And everyone who’s ever come close has left me before they help at all. I didn’t know there was anyone left to try and get close to.”  
Castiel put his head on Dean’s shoulder as the song was ending.  
“Carry on my wayward son” he whispered.  
“Carry on” Dean replied.  
He didn’t tell Cas that Ellen had said that in two days he’d be going home. He didn’t ruin the moment. The bottle may have been cracked,, but Ellen was right. He still had his common sense of when to say something and when not to. He didn’t say that he wanted Cas to come with him and his brother while they went on a road trip, and then he never wanted Cas to leave. They had agreed just now to Carry On, and that when they were done, there’d be peace.  
\- -  
They sat there until they heard the dinner bell ringing. Castiel didn’t know whether or not he should tell Dean that he wouldn’t be getting out for another week. Anna had told him that Dean only had two more days, but Cas wanted Dean’s phone number so that they could talk every day. He wanted to meet up when he got out of The Hell Hole and never leave each other after that. He wanted to tell Dean that it was because of him he knew that he could help people without having to fix them. Because fixing wasn’t his job. That was for the therapist to teach the person. And needing that little push didn’t mean you were fucked up, it meant that to be happy you needed some help. And he knew that was okay. And he hoped Dean knew that, too. And as they sat across from each other at lunch, learning more and more about each other (they never officially ended their questions game), he knew that Dean was okay with Cas trying to be there. And he knew that Dean wouldn’t push him away for being there. And the sun was rising above Dean, and the clouds were clearing above Castiel. He was okay with this.  
He finally had the courage to tell Dean that he’d be staying for longer, but when he opened his mouth, Dean beat him to it.  
“So you know…I’m leaving in a couple of days.”  
“…yea. My therapist told me”  
\- -  
“Yeah…well..see my brother and I..well my brother’s girlfriend just died in a car crash. And well…we’re going on this road trip, and..I don’t know when you’re coming out..but would you want to join us?” Dean looked down. He was choosing his words very carefully. He wanted Cas to come with, but he didn’t want to make it seem…weird.  
Cas’s eyes lit up. “Of course I want to come.” He said. “but I don’t get out of here for another week. My treatment’s not done yet.”  
Dean nodded. “But like…after?” He hoped he wasn’t seeming too eager.  
“Definitely. We’ll exchange phone numbers. But I’ll warn you I’m awful at texting.”  
Dean was relieved.  
“You really want to come with?”  
“Of course! I love road trips. I like to be that dork who stars out the window and watches the entire world goes by”  
“What other “dorky things” do you like to do?”  
“What do you mean?” Cas laughed.  
“I don’t know. What do you do besides paint. Tell me your story. Tell me how it is you’ve carried on this far.” He wasn’t trying to be sappy. He was just curious. He liked to know things like this.  
“Didn’t we go over our stories a couple of nights ago?” Cas asked.  
“But those were the sad stories. Tell me your happy story. Why it is you got up every morning. Tell me why you carry on.” Gosh Cas was turning him into a dork that would stare out the window as the world went by. The weird thing was, he didn’t care.  
“I kept myself going knowing there would be a person someday who actually wanted me to live and wanted me to be there for them. I got out of bed thinking that maybe today would be that day.”  
“Wow” Dean took a deep breath. He’d lived for a moment Dean had given him after the bottle had cracked.  
“What about you?”  
“Huh?” Dean had been too busy thinking about that to hear what Cas had said. “Sorry, I was just thinking”  
“How did you carry on?”  
Dean thought for a while. He thought about the Emergency Exit sign on the door in the hallway. And he thought about the amount of times he’d tried to get through, but something had pulled him back. But what had pulled him back?  
“I don’t know.” He was thinking really hard. “Of all the times I’d tried to go, I’ve always been pulled back. Every single time. Most of the time it’s not very willingly, but I’ve never had one thing that’s kept me going. I’ve had friends who were there and then left later, once I was okay. I’ve had friends who pulled me back only to leave me every time I wasn’t okay. I’ve had music that made it worse and music that made it all better. I’ve had times where my brother was the only one next to me and times when he was the one thing making me want to go. There’s nothing that’s been constant, except for the thought that everyone’s going to let me down at one point or another.”  
“But if you really wanted to be dead, you would be”  
“I guess that’s true”  
“So then if you’re still alive, why are you alive?”  
“I guess…I guess it’s for the times before they all let me down. For the good times of the memories.”  
Cas nodded. “Then let’s try and make the most good memories we can and forget about the part where I’m supposed to let you down” Cas had such a way with words, Dean thought. He could say something so simple and make it mean something.  
“Do you ever think about how quickly most friendships form?” Dean asked after a comfortable pause.  
“The friendships that are made in like, kindergarten while bonding over making a lego house or friendships that actually mean something in the long term?”  
“Both. Like, how when you’re little you can make a friend on the spot, but as you get older it gets harder and harder to make conversation, until making friends is like, the least of anyones priorities and they all already have all the friends they need anyway?”  
“You seem to be very annoyed with this”  
“Well I mean I’m just thinking about how we became friends. Because I didn’t want anything to do with you. Making a friend in The Hell Hole was the least of my worries, I just wanted to survive. And then I actually gave you a chance, and look at us now. But the friendship was still fast. And usually that’s not natural, but this is, isn’t it?”  
Cas nodded. “Why do you call it the Hell Hole?”  
“I told you that already”  
“I know, I know. But why not something that fits a little better, like Hell House? Because it is a mental hospital. Why a hole?”  
“I guess it’s because when I got here I didn’t feel like there was a way out”  
“Do you now?”  
Dean looked at Cas. “Of course I do. I’m getting out in two days. And then a week later you’ll be out with me.”  
“So then let’s not call it The Hell Hole if there’s a way out. Let’s agree that it’s the Hell House and let’s agree that we’ll never let ourselves get here again.”  
“Agreed”  
\- -  
After dinner, Castiel had to make his first call to his brother, Gabriel. He didn’t particularly want to, but he hadn’t talked to him since he got there. As he dialed the number, he braced himself for all the making fun of him Gabe was going to inflict.  
“Hey little bro. How ya doing?” Cas was so surprised, Gabriel actually sounded concerned.  
“No jokes about how I’m in the looney bin?” Cas asked weakly  
“I’ve had a couple days to come up with a good one, but I realized how hard this actually is on you sometime around midnight last night when I found myself sleeping with the phone waiting for you to call.”  
“I’m sorry. I’ve just..I’ve been trying to not be such a grenade here, ya know? I’m trying to learn and get better and I felt like calling you would just make the change less prominent and that I’d go back to the way it was and it got hard to pick up the phone.”  
"So why did you?”  
“Because the thought of you using the phone as a stuffed animal waiting for my call haunted my dreams”  
Gabriel laughed. “Well I’m so very glad my pain has caused you enjoyment”  
“You’re one to talk”  
“Ah yes, but dear brother, I am the older one” Cas rolled his eyes. Gabriel pulled the older brother tab way too often.  
“You can be such an assbutt.” It was Castiel’s attempt at an insult. It didn’t work, there was howling laughter on the other end.  
“What the fuck is an assbutt?” He tried to get through his laughter.  
“How the hell should I know? I just try and be as mean as possible and people call me a puppy” He signed.  
“It’s because you are a puppy!”  
“Yes and you’re a little trickster who knew I’d say something dorky if you made me mad”  
“YUP” Cas could hear his smile through the phone.  
“Whatever. I got to go now, the movie for tonight is starting.”  
“Do you know how long you’ll be in there for?”  
“They said about another week”  
“Okay. good. And Cas?”  
“Yes?”  
“Please call me more. I worry about you.” Cas smiled.  
“I will”  
\- -  
Cas didn’t remember much about the movie that night. The teenagers were all in their usual corner, but they were a lot more emotional than usual, and were sometimes paying so much attention to the movie that if anyone said anything they’d send them a death look, and then a minute later they’d be the one talking, and the one who’d been talking before would be telling them to shut up. Cas didn’t really understand it, but he was also mostly paying attention to Dean. He was in a corner, trying very, very hard to hide the fact that he was crying. He was doing really well too, but Cas had a sort of master way of knowing that he was in fact, crying. But Castiel couldn’t figure out why. He tried to ask him about it when the movie ended and people had cleared out.  
“Hey, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, oh course, why would you ask?” Dean looked annoyed with him.  
“I don’t know. I just thought I saw you crying during the movie.”  
Dean laughed. Man was he good at denying this. “Nope, that didn’t happen.”  
“Dean, come on you can tell me this sort of thing.”  
“Except I don’t know what you want me to tell you because I’M FINE” Dean almost shouted.  
“Except you’re not fine! You’re human, not a machine. It’s okay to show some emotion!” Castiel replied, exasperated.  
“But it really isn’t though! It has to be made into this huge deal whenever I break or crack and show emotion. It can’t be a normal occurrence because it’s hyped up to be this huge thing. So if I’m showing emotion, it’s my business, and you need to shut up about it and let me do what I need.”  
“I just want to know what happened to make you so upset!” Cas was trying to get through to Dean. What had happened to the person who had been pulled back from the exit sign?  
“I don’t need you know, though. I don’t need you to be there, because you are going to leave at some point and I’m going to be left there on the side of the road with nowhere to go up back to the Hell Hole”  
“Dean, please just let me be there for you” Cas was crying.  
Dean didn’t even hear him though, because he was out the door.  
\- -  
Except Dean had heard him. And he was in his room with the world around him asleep, thinking about how he knew that Castiel would be hurt, and knowing how much it would hurt Cas hurt Dean. He couldn’t get close to anyone. He knew he couldn’t because he knew that they’d get annoyed with hearing about his shit and they’d never look back because the only thing that was behind them was a scared little puppy who needed to get their shit together and learn to suck it up. The bottle had been built back up out of fear that there would be no one there when he got out. It was built up too quickly and in too much haste, and was breakable, but for now it was intact.  
He just needed to not get hurt.  
He fell asleep to that chant going through his head.

They’d (sort of) made it through another day.


	5. The Bottle's Gone

Dean didn’t leave when he was scheduled to. And he couldn’t look at Cas for a day in a half. Once Dean had finally opened back up to Ellen, he told her that the bottle had rebuilt itself quickly, and suddenly his defenses were up again. She’d told him that he was the one who’d rebuilt it so fast, and that it was out of fear. He’d seen himself getting close to someone, and knew he had to hurt them to keep himself from being hurt. It was her who told him to apologize in the first place. She told him that he’d never live with himself if he didn’t make this right. Kevin stayed away from Dean after this. He didn’t want to have to be around him blowing up again.  
\- -  
Cas had gotten used to this sort of thing long before he’d met Dean. Most people who met him did this. It wasn’t a surprise, he’d just thought Dean was special. Different. That his dawn would come. Eventually he received a note from a random supervisor that said for him to be in the game room after group.  
Dean was sitting at the table with a ready-to-play game of sorry sitting in front of him.  
“I thought you wouldn’t come” He said hoarsely. He’d been crying.  
“Why wouldn’t I come? I haven’t spoken to you in days”  
“I don’t know.”  
“What now?"  
"This is the part where I say I’m sorry. And then you either shove the board at me in disgust for trying, or accept it and say that it’s okay, people go too far sometimes when they’re in a mental hospital for that exact reason. And that you’ll be my angel again because I need someone who won’t give up on me and will know to give me this kind of space when I suddenly lash out but will also willingly come back when I need them and if you aren’t that person I don’t know who is” As he was saying that, Cas was taking his spot opposite Dean. Dean looked so hopeless.  
“Call me an idiot, but of course I accept that. I just want to know why you realized right then that it wasn’t okay to be close to me”  
Dean sighed. “Because you broke the bottle in my head that I shove all of the things I don’t want people to hear. You broke it and then it stayed broken until I realized that you’d have to leave eventually because they all do. And I got scared. I got scared of things being okay. Because when they’re okay there’s room for things to go wrong. And there’s room for me to fuck it up. And I rebuilt the bottle, and tried to push you away. Because I couldn’t handle you saying that you didn’t care” He looked at his hands as if they’d tell him what to do, and then looked up at Cas with these scared eyes that melted Cas’s heart.  
\- -  
“Did you always love music?” Cas asked Dean.  
“Huh?” He was so confused. Why was Cas asking him about music? What did it have to do with sorry?  
“Let’s not play sorry. Our sorry asses aren’t stuck here. We’re not in a Hell Hole, we’re in a Hell House, remember? Let’s keep going with our question game and never finish. Did you always music?”  
“Well, yeah I guess. For as long as I can remember, at least. Why’d you ask that, of all questions?”  
“Is that your question?”  
“Yes"  
“Because I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high, and the one I wanted to carry on pushed me away for going too far.”  
Dean smiled. It was the first time he had in a couple days. “I don’t think those are the right words.”  
“What are you talking about?!” Cas said innocently, and added a pouting face to it. It was Dean’s turn to have his heart melted by a look.  
Dean shook his head. “What’s your question?” He was just glad they were talking again.  
“Why is yellow your favorite color?”  
“You actually remembered my favorite color?”  
“You remembered mine”  
“Yea..but..”  
“Just answer the question!"  
“Because it’s bright. But it’s not harsh”  
“That’s true”  
“I know” Dean smirked.  
Cas chuckled.  
“Do you actually forgive me?” Dean became serious very fast.  
“Dean, you don’t need to worry about that. Ever. The thing is, this happens a lot. People will push me away for different reasons, but it’s usually because I’m being annoying. The fact that it’s because you were scared is new to me. The fact that you came back and you’re sorry means to me that you’re trying. And if you’re trying I’ll always go when you want me to and come back when you need me. Of course I forgive you”  
“Good cuz group was awkward” And Dean was back to joking.  
“Speak of the devil” It was time for group.  
\- -  
After group Dean thanked Ellen.  
“For what, honey?"  
“For telling me to try again. And for not letting me be scared of it.”  
She smiled. “Just be sure to get your butt out of this place as soon as you can”  
“When’s the next time I can?”  
“Later this week. And you and Cas are both set to get out the same day.”  
Dean did a little happy celebration dance for all that was going well. He was making Cas a list of songs to listen to, as well as some random pictures inspired by them with a few lines of lyrics written into the picture. He couldn’t wait to get out of the Hell House and he couldn’t wait to be on the road with Cas and his brother. The trio of “life kicked us a little too hard but we’ll never stop trying”.  
Ellen laughed at his dorky dance. “You’re a silly boy. I’m gonna miss seeing you’re pretty face here. But don’t end up here again or I’ll beat your butt back into shape” That was Ellen. Dean smiled. “I promise to not end up in here again.”  
“And get rid of that bottle in your head” She ruffled his head. Dean nodded. “So where are you and your brother going?”  
“Anywhere and everywhere. No flying, just driving. And driving and driving and driving until we fall off the earth because the wheels of the car will turn so fast we’ll fly away”  
“I don’t think that’s how most cars work”  
Dean tried to look like that comment had crushed him, then sassily said “it’s definitely how cars work”  
\- -  
During free time Cas and Dean did another puzzle. Kevin had ditched them after he got more and more books approved. That kid needed to learn how to put down a book and look into real life. This puzzle was a view of some kind of city like Amsterdam. Maybe it was Amsterdam. Cas would never know. He thought about how lights in cities blocked out the sky at night. And how ironic it was that the lights that were artificial would block out the light that was natural. He said this to Dean, who laughed and said, “Yea humans tend to be stupid and block out the nice things with things they think are nice, and then they end up ruining a lot in the process.”  
They did one puzzle a day until they got out, and did a couple of them twice. The I Spy one never came back, and Dean was upset about that because the supervisors had probably thrown it out.  
“So remember the painting you did of my “sky” on the I Spy puzzle?” Dean asked later that day.  
“Shhh we must never speak of the painting that I did not paint even though I’m the only one who could’ve”  
Dean laughed. “Yes well I never got to keep it! The supervisors threw it away or something. So…could you do another one?”  
Cas gasped dramatically. “Another one?! Do you think I just randomly paint the sky every day?!”  
“Yes? Please Cas I’ll make you another song lyric picture thing!”  
Cas pretended to think about it, then broke into a smirk. “Of course I’ll make another painting for you Dean. Don’t be stupid.”  
Dean smiled.  
\- -  
So Dean made another lyric picture poster for Cas, this time to “Eye of the Tiger”. He felt it was more fitting to their situation.  
“Eye of the Tiger” (Yellow Fever)  
Rising up, back on the street  
Did my time, took my chances  
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet  
Just a man and his will to survive 

So many times it happens too fast  
You change your passion for glory  
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past  
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the eye of the tiger  
It's the thrill of the fight  
Rising up to the challenge of our rival  
And the last known survivor  
Stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat  
Hanging tough, staying hungry  
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street  
For the kill with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the tiger  
It's the thrill of the fight  
Rising up to the challenge of our rival  
And the last known survivor  
Stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Rising up, straight to the top  
Had the guts, got the glory  
Went the distance, now I'm not going to stop  
Just a man and his will to survive

It's the eye of the tiger  
It's the thrill of the fight  
Rising up to the challenge of our rival  
And the last known survivor  
Stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger  
The first one was a street corner with a street lamp at night, with the words drawn in as clouds. The second was a fire with the lyrics as smoke. For the chorus he tried to draw a tiger, hated it and gave up on it for a while trying to figure out what to do. What did surviving look like? It looked like a person about to drown themselves but stepping back because they found a way to live. So he drew someone at the bottom of the ocean swimming up to one light source for air. And it looked like staring down at a bleeding wrist with a razor blade that you dropped into the sink because you realized you living was better than your body bleeding dry. So for the next chorus he drew a sink with blood droplets and a razor. The person had left it there while they were driven to a hospital. And it looked like flying too high and falling but trying to fly again with the knowledge that made you fall so you’re smarter about it the second time and fly into the sun. So he drew a bird flying into a sun, with the sun taking up the entire page. Because surviving was what this was. And in surviving you find the will to survive and that’s what the thrill of the fight became. The thrill of the the things that kept your brain and body fighting for life even when the rest of you has given up.  
\- -  
And Cas made another painting for Dean, but Dean’s sky was so changed, that Cas had to redo it a couple of times to get it completely right. Of course the sun wasn’t completely up just yet, but at the same time he could see it setting, as if the end of his time of being depressed was here at last. He settled on a blue midday sky, with some dark clouds around the edge of the page, and the sun shining bright in the center. He knew it was perfect, and that Dean would love it. When it was finally finished he sat back and spent time wandering around his mind. He had a little window in his head where he made a sky. Usually he’d paint it after he created it in his mind.  
\- -  
Cas asked about the song choice for the lyric pictures after Dean gave it to him.  
“Well…the same way that the sky sort of represents how you’re feeling…the lyrics are meant to be my situation. Like…the first one I did was to a really depressing song..and then this one is because I feel like we’ve survived everything and we well always survive. And Carry On Wayward Son was because I want you to always carry on…so…it’s the lyrics…and then I try and draw around them..and” Dean was trying hard not to ramble but he couldn’t get his thoughts into coherent sentences. He knew exactly what he wanted to show through the songs he chose. He knew that the lyrics put things into words that he couldn’t form. The lyrics emptied the bottle a little bit. Music in general emptied his bottle. Except there wasn’t any bottle there now. And while there was a difference between saying everything you had in your head and trying to summarize and generalize, he knew now how to get across how he was feeling without hurting the other person in the process.  
“Yeah I get it” Dean looked into Cas’s amazingly blue eyes.  
“Seriously? I just rambled on and made no sense”  
“Yes, I get it. Because it is the same as my paintings. To get feelings and thoughts out of your head and into something physical. For me it’s a picture and for you it’s putting it into words that are lyrics.”  
“Yeah”  
“Yeah”  
Dean let out a long, slow breath. “Good.”  
Cas smiled. “Good."  
\- -  
At some point before they left, Cas had to let Dean know that his brother wanted him to come home before going on the road with them. He brought it up during a free time when they’d decided to try and get through Mulan again.  
“I can’t come with you guys right away.”  
“Why not?” Dean pouted  
“Do you have to try really hard to make that face or does it come naturally?”  
“I think I’m adorable.”  
Cas rolled his eyes. "My older brother wants to spend some time together, and then he said he’d drive me to wherever you guys were on your road trip.”  
Dean sighed. “Yeah I guess that’s okay” He teased. Cas pushed him. "Of course you can spend time with your brother, Cas.”  
“And then I can meet up with you guys later in the trip?” Cas asked hopefully.  
“I’d love that” Dean looked like he would genuinely like for him to meet up with them. Not that it’d be an inconvenience, like he feared. He was relieved. The skies kept getting brighter, and there wasn’t anything Cas could think of that would make it seem like they’d dull again.  
\- -  
Dean kept repeating Cas’s words to him over in his head. He won’t be offended if Dean were to lash out. He’d go away when Dean went out of bounds, but come back when he needed him again. He didn’t have to worry about pushing Cas away because Cas would always understand why. And he could push Dean away and Dean would forgive him, too. And life wouldn’t be perfect, but it’d be worth living again. And he kept repeating all of that over and over again in his head. He played Carry On Wayward Son and thought about how it would always be a special song between him and Cas. And he liked the thought of that.  
He also kept thinking back to Cas’s paintings of the sky. He loved the second one, with the border of clouds, but he had liked the first one, too. He had the image seared into his mind. The really dark sky, but you could still see, and there had been hints of pink and orange and he didn’t know what it was about it that he had liked so much. But he was okay with this one, too, because it was happier. It fit a little better now. He could see what Cas meant about the sky being people’s personalities. And he could see Cas’s sky being really open and broad, ready to catch everything that was coming.  
\- -  
As Cas made plans with his brother, he kept finding himself thinking back to the songs. He had asked Anna if he could see the first couple songs Dean had done, but she’d only laughed and said that wasn’t really for her to show him. So he had asked Dean, and Dean had handed them to him and said, “do what you want with them, I don’t need them”. So he’d looked through them. He could see what Dean liked about them making the words for him. Cas’s problem wasn’t the forming of the words, it was getting the words and paragraphs of thought he had into something that wouldn’t kill people to listen to.  
Life was too long to shout at empty space, anyway, so why waste time trying to tell the world paragraphs of thought when you can show just as much through a painting of the sky?  
\- -  
Those few days later, Dean was walking down the steps from the door of The Hell House. Sure he wasn’t completely better, but he felt really good. And feeling really good was what the point of life was, anyway. And to take the moments when you feel good and let them not be spoiled. The important part was that he was out and he could live again. If this was fixing him then he was okay to be fixed. Because no one should have to live in a bottle. And now the bottle was gone, and he didn’t need a bottle at all anymore.  
As Dean was walking down the steps to their car, Sam held up a giant rainbow slinky. Dean’s eyes lit up. He hadn’t seen one of those since they were really little, and they’d won it at a theme park. A really shitty theme park, but it had still been fun.  
“This is for you, a reward for surviving through that and for getting out, and for doing this” he gestured to the car.  
Dean cut him off. “Shut up Sam we’re going to play with the slinky”  
Sam smiled. “Okay then. Let’s go”  
And they got in the car to get some pie and hit the road.  
Dean looked back up the steps as he drove away. Cas was standing there, waving. They’d see each other soon. Neither of them knew how much the other liked each other, but neither of them cared. They had each other to care about. And that’s honestly all that mattered. Maybe they’d end up together and maybe they wouldn’t, but they needed each other, and neither was going to go very far without the other, and neither of them had to.  
Dean looked up. The sky was bright, almost blinding.  
Cas looked up too. He sat there looking for a good five minutes before going back inside. He was going to enjoy not living in the hell house.  
Life was going to be for the happy moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been a few days. I was trying to get it right, then school, then other stuff, but here it is. Little cheesy, but who doesn't like cheesy?


End file.
